Didn't they use the first one for an episode of CSI? I'm sure I've seen a program where they found the body of a diver up a tree in the midst of a brush fire.

If the great battles of history were fought today - how would we win? Health and safety and all the other that go with it, gives us a totally different view of the proceedings - here's one example of H&S applied to just one of our greatest heroes - Admiral Lord Nelson. Enjoy

The Battle of Trafalgar 2004

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledygook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments."

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

" I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men
to stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny."

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."

Quote ="Good enuf to play for Fax"THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY .... Check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. ___________________________________________ '" Are you sure? Check this out www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.htm

Quote ="Good enuf to play for Fax"THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY .... Check it out these actual cases. Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. ___________________________________________ '" Are you sure? Check this out www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/scuba.htm

Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down.

Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: " Cas for the Challenge Cup, Cas for the Challenge Cup, Cas for the Challenge Cup."

On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe!

The Game and the Scoring Point System:
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1

You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
In the snow.....+8
But return with beer.....-5 and no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
With breast implants.....-18

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay,it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, It doesn't matter, you have one too......-800

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
"well,what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!!

The Irishman's daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"Okay, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account with £5,000,000. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you, Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club . (takes a breath) .. and and invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

The girl, crying again, replied, "Sniff, sniff .. A prostitute Dad! .

Sniff, sniff ..."

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html

Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html

I hear we have signed Prince Harry,




he is going to play right wing

Quote ="Yob"Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html'" The good thing is it follows a pattern (left end then right end {ooooh er missus}) sp you can watch the tit$ and getit correct! It only took me all afternoon to work that out

Quote ="Yob"Here's a test for you. If you don't get it right the first time, try again! www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html'" The good thing is it follows a pattern (left end then right end {ooooh er missus}) sp you can watch the tit$ and getit correct! It only took me all afternoon to work that out

One from the Old Joke's Home that someone sent me today

What do you call a Russian prostitute?
Onya Backyabitch

what do you call a Russian Transexual?

Iva Cockoff.

dunno if this un been on but i thought it were funny anyway so here it is....


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b**tards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! ..... and all of you b**tards who are getting on, get your a**e in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

For those who enjoyed Tommy's contribution you may enjoy this!

[urlhttp://boards.rlfans.com/viewtopic.php?t=103652[/url

Husband Superstore......

Recently a “Husband Super Store� opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.� The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?� So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.� “Hmmm,� said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?�

Third floor
This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework.� “Wow,� said the women,
�Very tempting.� But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.� “Oh, mercy me,� they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs.�

A young man called peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter’s flatmate
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between peter and his flatmate than met the
eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, peter volunteered, "i know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & i are just flatmates.

About a week later, Simon came to peter saying,� ever since your mother came
to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
took it do you?" "well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure,"
said peter, so he sat down and wrote:

dear mother, I’m not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my
house, I’m not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love peter

several days later, peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:

dear son, I’m not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I’m not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love
mum

lesson of the day: don't ever lie to your mother (she always, always finds
out)

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "Well brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wressle. We wressled down one hill, UP another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and Baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called
to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold
on,Sister Margaret, not so fast!"

"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord
from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed
in disbelief.

"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right
from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong"

"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister
Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I
want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will
discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately
called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can
hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel
dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for
right nd wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me
when you are ready."

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts
of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter... I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my
throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."

"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right
and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me."

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a
message:
"Yo, Pete, it's Peggy... It's gonna be a while!!!

Fax were playing Cas, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Rikki Sheriffe getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Rikki to go out on his own.

"No worries," Rikki told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened. "After the game Rikki headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score - 94-2.

"What!!!!", said a furious Faz, "How did you let them get two points? " Rikki replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

A Cas fan was walking through the streets of Castleford when he sees a sale on at a video shop. When he stops to look he sees a video called Cas Rugby The Golden Years. The guy enters the shop and asks how much the video costs. The shop owners replies, £300. The Cas fan replies,What! Im not paying £300 just for a video, the shop owners replies,No don't be silly, the video is £5 the Beta-Max video player is £295!!

Who's Your Daddy?

When someone puts in for Child Support,
the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is
and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies
that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms
in the section for listing father's details.
Or putting it another way ...
Who's your Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms:

(Be sure to check out number 11 - it takes the prize and #3 is
runner-up.)

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
child A was fathered by Jim Munson.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B,
but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child
as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
behind.
I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the
party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.
She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue
where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night.
I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father,
can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.
He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the
door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area
and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.
I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate
and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad
as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover
and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.
I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.

7. Number 7 was removed to keep e-mail P.C.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A.
If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
Child B who was also borned at the same time ...
well, I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby;
after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one
made you fart.

Once upon a time the Canadian Government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of nowhere with no real value. The Government said, "Someone may steal from the scrap yard at night. So they created a night watchman position and hired a person (bilingual, naturally) for the job.

Then the Government said, "How can the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a Planning Department and hired two
people; one person to write the job description and one person to do
time studies.

Then the Government said, "How will we know the night watchman is
performing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control
department and hired two people; one to do the studies and one to
write the reports.

Then the Government said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions: a Time Keeper and a Payroll
Officer; then hired two more people to assist.

Then the government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an Administrative Section and hired three
people: an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative
Officer and a Legal Secretary.

Then the Government said, "We have had this organization in operation
for only one year and we are $1,180,000 over budget; we must cut back
our overall costs...................

So they laid off the night watchman.

A NEW WINE FOR SENIORS

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as Pino More

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly."You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head "We're not welcome at B&Q either

Grannies on the Road:

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? these women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."