I promised myself not to post a

at any of these jokes but I really had to

at that one!!! Here's mine:

Two gays are dancing together in a nightclub.

The one turns to the other and says: “Why are you getting an erection?�

To which he replied: “coz you dance like an ar$ehole.�

A visiting professor at Castleford Technical College is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"

I see on the front page of today's "Courier" that the Ripper has met a womean inside who he wants to marry.

Just hope that they don't all get hammered at the reception.

A hillbilly woman takes a bus trip north to visit her sister in the big city. While waiting for her sister to pick her up, she asks a group of women sitting near her, "Where y'all from?"
One of the women says, "Were from someplace where we don't end our sentences in prepositions."
"O.K.," responds the hillbilly. "Where y'all from, bitch?"

Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.


Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a nan.


They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.


Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."


The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".

It's been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he's well hung!

The Yorkshire Ripper walked into a bar with a young lady and ordered a pint of lager.
"Can I have a Cinzano" said the girl
"No you'll have a screwdriver like the rest of them".

David Beckham came home one day to find his wife puffing and panting on the bed.

"What's the matter, Princess?" he says.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," she replies.

Beckham dashed off to phone an ambulance only to have his son tugging at his trousers.

"What's up, Brooklyn?" he asks.

"Daddy, Ryan Giggs is in Mummy's wardrobe with no clothes on."

In a rage Beckham races into the bedroom and yanks open the wardrobe door.

"You're a complete w@nker Giggsy," he screams. "I thought you were a mate of mine. The wife's in agony and all you can do is hang around in the wardrobe instead of helping her.....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

When he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke in to hundreds of little pieces on the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa
trudged to the door.He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree., very cheerfully she said , "Merry Christmas,Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where should I stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"

The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ Climbing Frame" Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again.
What else would you like?"

The kid says, "A $*#%@#$ sand pit for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"

The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a $*#%@#$ trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the climbing frame, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sand pit, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.


His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a $*#%@#$ dog, but I can't find him".

The Crist family worked at a zoo. Each year they predicted the general luck and overall mood of the year by watching the the gnu. If the gnu's ears were forward, that meant a successful, joyous year was almost certain to happen. But if his ears were laid back flat against his head, it meant that an unlucky or very unhappy year was sure to come. One year it was young Mary's turn to "survey" the animal and come up with the prediction. It was her first time solo, and in her excitement, she forgot to take the key to the cage. She was late in coming to check on the gnu. Well, she saw the wrong ear position and predicted a bad year, when in fact it was quite good. To explain the error, the local newspaper ran the following headline a year later: MARY CRIST MISSES AN HAPPY GNU'S EAR!

I am really sorry for that - honest

Another seasonal one for you

Yob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Yob tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set
a good example.

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook it
and it just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Yob put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then
suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.

Yob was worried that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Yob’s extended arm and said, "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will
endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

Yob was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was just about to
ask what had brought about such a dramatic change when the parrot
continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

8O

Q: Did you hear that David Beckham's voice will be
used for the announcements at the new Wembley?
A: Apparently he comes over the P.A. very well...

News just in

Victoria Beckham claims she had an affair with Jacko
to get back at her husband. But Jacko's lawyers
denied it, saying Mr Jackson could not have been
with Posh as he was in Brooklyn at the time.

[urlhttp://community-2.webtv.net/@HH!3B!01!109A6273ED6D/Babajani1/MurphysLaw/[/url
scroll down in wonder

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One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Huan Cho said ..
"Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the
perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."




OK then, I'll get me coat.......and me hat - merry christmas and see
you all next year!!

Quote ="huddrefno1"santa needs your help www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf'" I can't find any instructions

Quote ="huddrefno1"santa needs your help www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf'" I can't find any instructions

Quote ="Yob" Quote ="huddrefno1"santa needs your help www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf'" I can't find any instructions '" tis easy got 517. and im drunk meself

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Use the arrow keys

Cheers TS I've frazzled him twice now

You will enjoy this one then Brew!

[urlhttp://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm[/url

Hi scratters, Lard here.

***Old Joke Alert***



***Even Older Joke Alert***

I thought he'd gone to Tampa with the kids.

Where's me whippet?

Diary of a Snowy Christmas.

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the pavements. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the pavements and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and pavements. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x40. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplough, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a tip and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plough driver is suing me for a
million quid for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY
.... Check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine
how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and
emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing he breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300
feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio,
his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the
engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into
gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars,
was dragged along as it burst through the glass
patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to
find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle,
and the shattered patio door. She called for an
ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly
large hill, went down the several flights of stairs
to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the
wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it
outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled
gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into
the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned
home, looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the
bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while
attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped
the butt between his legs. The wife, who was in the
kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor
with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks,
legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.
The same paramedic crew was dispatched. As the paramedics
carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told
them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tilting
the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down
the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
____________________________________________


Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special
ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were
being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale
ate them both.
____________________________________________


Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of
wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked
him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
____________________________________________


STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all
two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?