Yasser Arafat apparently is to wear Paul Gasgoine's England kit at his funeral. His last words before slipping into a coma were........















"bury me in the gazza strip"!

To the citizens of the United States of America


In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect.

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

3. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”.

4. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh' is pronounced ‘burra’, e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

5. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”.
6. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

7. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

8. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

9. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

11. You should re-learn your original national anthem, “God Save the Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

12. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

13. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

14. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

15. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “5hit”. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

16. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

17. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

18. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French; they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

19. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

20. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

21. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

22. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

23. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Try out this great game!

[urlhttp://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3067907/graphic1.swf[/url

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went
to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father... during World War II, a beautiful
woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And
you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one
more question."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Whats got 26 legs and a c*nt in the middle?

























Rochdale RLFC

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all
bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word is celebrate!!!"

A man met a woman and fell madly in love with her. He asked her to
marry him right away. Her response was: "But we don't know each
other at all, what if we don't get on?"

The man said that was a chance he was prepared to take and he felt
that he loved her so much straight away that he was sure it would
work and they could get to know each other during their marriage.

So the woman agreed, they married and went away on honeymoon where they found they were very compatible. They were lazing by the
poolside one day when the husband said he fancied a swim and his
wife watched him as he climbed up to the very highest diving board
and leapt off backwards. He did a triple spin, a forward turn and
a double back-flip (piked) before entering the water with barely a
ripple.

The wife was amazed. When the husband came back to her she said:
"Blimey! I didn't know youcould swim like that!" He replied: "Oh
yes, I used to be an Olympic diver in my youth and was the
champion for ten years running." They agreed that there was lots
to learn about each other and that it was fun finding out.

Then the wife decided to go for a swim. She dived into the water,
swam 150 lengths, got out of the water and laid on her sun lounger
barely out of breath. The husband was amazed. He said: "I can't
believe it, did you used to be an Olympic swimmer too?" She
replied: "Oh no, I used to be a prostitute in Leigh but I
worked both sides of the river."

>Two kerrymen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
>and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks
>if he can help them.
>
>"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
>dere," says Gerry.
>
>The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for
>the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top
>of the ConnorPass.
>
>At the ConnorPass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says "Dis
>looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts
>them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
>
>Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
>stone dead.
>
>Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
>and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
>
>
>THERE'S MORE

>
>Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop
>too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one
>hand and a shotgun in the other.
>
>"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
>
>He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
>cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
>parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
>and breaks every bone in his body.
>
>Paddy shakes his head and says "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
>either!"
>
>IT IS NOT OVER YET
>
>Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
>appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of
>which he pulls a chicken. Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and
>disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
>
>Once more Paddy shakes his head.
>
>"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus
>parrotshooting...and now Sean Og and his fook'n "hen gliding!"

The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world, looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 mins and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says. " I played for 20 mins today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, " Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out of the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd Will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man,obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why
not".

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on the
location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas.
He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a
few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150 page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,
"You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not."

"You're a consultant," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;
to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my
business."

"Now, give me back my dog."

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has been passed. Things will be different now and internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different. For a demonstration, click on the link below... users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES!
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he
looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells...

"For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you
idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke
everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was
Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything
away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was
Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and
filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with
your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one
more time...

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F#%^*ING PORRIDGE YET!!"

"Smoking Dope or Doing Time"

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked
the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor," he replied, "I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and
told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" he asked the second boy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach," he answered. "I drew a large and a small circle. Pointing to the small circle, I said, this is your 4rsehole before you go to prison..........."

Merseyside Council are to name a new school after Ken Bigley.






They are currently advertising for a Head.

I shouldnt really laugh at that should I

BEST MOTHER IN LAW JOKE I HAVE EVER HEARD.



A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.



While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."



The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.



The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"



The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

Elton John goes to a tattooist & says “I want a tattoo of a car on my c0ck.”

Tattooist replies “Better make it a 4x4 with the amount of sh*t it has to go through”

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.



'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?'



'Well' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.'



'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew.



'No Matthew. while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The Operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.



A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.



'That's an unbelievable story. So, Simon who are you going to be tonight?'




'Tonight, Matthew,

I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle'

As we now know, Dr. Atkins was 258 lbs. at the time of his death, an obese weight for a man 6' tall.

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans


4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

What do you call a Nun sitting on a washing machine?

Sister Matic

Is a midget fortune teller who has escaped from prison a small medium at large?

the blond and the tramp

A blond was out walking when she sees a tramp sat asking for money.

she walks over and passes him some money and notices he has L and R written on his shoes.

she looks at the tramp with a puzzled look on her face and askes "why do you have L and R on your shoes?"

to which the tramp replies "so i know which shoe to put on which foot"

to this the blond then replies "thats why my nickers say C & A"

Subject: The black dragon

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"

A New Zealand farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means and with a red face asks the vet to elaborate. The vet tells the farmer that he will have to inseminate them himself. The farmer asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.



The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.



The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives them out to the woods bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.



The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.



The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.



"No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and one of them is beeping the horn."