And these are for all you lovers out there...

These are entries to a Washington post competition asking for a
rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second
line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss....
But I only slept with you, because I was ed!

I thought that I could love no other....
until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace.....
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes....
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife...
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming....
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away....
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell.....
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Mother Knows!


A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, and during the course of the meal his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flat-mate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flat-mate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flat-Mates". About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose
she took it do you?"

"Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure" said Paul. So he
sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL X

Several days later, Paul received an e-mail from his mother which read:


DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW!

LOVE MUM X


Lesson of the day:- NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS, ALWAYS
FINDS OUT)

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

How do you circumcise a Cas fan?



Kick his sister under the chin!

Boy do we need a laugh at the moment !


A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had s * x with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Mary's."


Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had s * x with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this "Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest."Go and say 10 Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.



The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"


The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies;
"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

A bloke walks into a lift and
stands next to a very pretty woman.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I smell your fanny?"
"No!" she replies, "Don't be disgusting."
"Oh well," the man shrugs his shoulders,
"It must be your feet then."

Q: Why is the Government like an Ikea wardrobe?
A: One loose screw and the whole cabinet falls apart.

Have you been saving that joke?

Old one recycled for today

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A South African gold miner lost his leg in an accident.

Choking back the tears later he cried,
"It's over! who's gonna want a one legged gold digger?"

Then his phone rang. "It's Paul McCartney."

What do the Premiership and a Cordless Drill have in common?

They both work better without Leeds

After his recent seperation Paul Mcartney said he would never go down on one knee again, or Heather as she is known.

Cruel!

She could sue but she hasn't got a leg to stand on!

Bet she is hopping mad about that one.

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolley's around a store when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What does your wife look like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

A door to door salesman knocks on a door.
A boy about eight years old answers, dressed
in stockings and suspenders, with a fat cigar
in one hand and a large glass of red wine in the other.
"Is your mum in, son?" says the salesman,
The boy replies, "Does it f*cking look like it?"

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the
head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his
father . "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you
German B******s!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Smiles are in short supply, especially if you are a dentist....

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

A journalist interviews Sir Paul McCartney:
"So, Sir Paul, do you think that you will ever
go down on one knee again?"
Sir Paul: "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather".

A little boy goes into sports shop to buy a rugby ball.

When he goes to pay the owner says to the boy he has not got enough money.

So the boy says he will do a deal.

If the owner blindfolds him and hands him any ball from i.e. Hull, wakefield, Bradford etc, he can tell the shopkeeper which ball he has in his hands........the owner agrees.

He hands him the first ball and the boy has a feel and he says ,"This is a Leeds Rhinos Ball" The shopkeeper is astounded and says "How did you guess that?"

The boy says " I could feel the charge of the Rhino through the ball!"

The shopkeeper passes him another ball.

The lad says "This is a Warrington Ball!" The shopkeeper is amazed. "How did you guess that?"......

The lad says "I could hear the howl of the Wolves as I touched the ball!"

The shopkeeper hands him one more ball just too convince him "Now then lad, try this ball!"

He has a feel and says "This is easypeasey lemonsqueasy........Its a Wigan Ball!"

The shopkeeper rubs his eyes and says "How the fek did you get that?"

the lad retorts "Its GOING DOWN"

I woke up this morning and there was a man
stealing my gate.
I didn't say anything in case he took a fence.

NEWSFLASH:

Saddam Hussein has been found guilty.



He has been sentenced to death by firing squad.



Saddam's last wish is that he should choose the members of the firing squad. His choice:



Lampard, Gerrard & Carragher, all from 12 yards!

A guy is playing golf and tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt
you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is
your sex life?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or
twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a
Catholic priest in a small parish."