Two Priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father." nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?.
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." and started to walk away.
One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are Priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Angela." she replied.

Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet,
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Phil: - Er... mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Phil: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a w*nker.

Christmas is coming

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

Christmas was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mum, I want a bike for Christmas".

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for Christmas. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for Christmas. Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for Christmas. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for Christmas.

Thank you,

Johnny.

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for Christmas.

Your friend,

Johnny.

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F***ING BIKE.

Signed YOU KNOW WHO.

Best with sound on try it!! theteatime.free.fr/talc/rocky.html

Best with sound on try it!! theteatime.free.fr/talc/rocky.html

Hi, as it is Christmas time and the drinks are flowing, here are a few tongue twisters??.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d) Cinnamon



Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate



Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero coordination.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

k) Look, it would be great to have a f**k but I hardly know you and we will only feel really embarrassed and awkward in the morning.

l) That guy is looking at my girlfriend but I am sure its just because he knows her or something.

m) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.

n) I must get to my bed, as I could never have a really good sleep in that hedge.

After five days solid on the lash it was back to work this morning. I woke up feeling like death, violent headache, feeling sick, chest pains, blurred vision, slurred speech, the lot.

There was no alternative.....to the docs.

The doc examined me in detail, shrugged his shoulders and apologised " I can't find anything wrong with you at all. It must be the drink."

"Don't worry Doc" I sympathised. "I can always come back tomorrow."

WHAT DO YOU CALL ?????



* An Indian in a disco? Dan Singh
* An Indian Handyman? Fik Singh
* An Indian in the Ballroom ? Walt Singh
* An Indian DJ ? Mix Singh
* An Indian Mechanic? Service Singh
* An Indian Hooligan ? Menace Singh
* An Indian in a Church ? Confess Singh
* An Indian Gymnast ? Bounce Singh
* An Indian Driving Backwards ? Rever Singh
* An Indian F1 Driver ? Ray Singh
* An Indian Cutting Bread ? Sly Singh
* An Indian Beautician ? Wax Singh
* An Indian Priest ? Bless Singh
* An Indian Throwing a Tantrum ? Fuss Singh
* An Indian Working in a Hospital? Nurse Singh
* An Indian With One Leg ? Balan Singh
* An Indian With No Legs ? Collapse Singh

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton : $29.99



Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read



Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.



Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.



Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull artist.



Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.



Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.



Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.



Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica's forced to return her gifts.



Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.



Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.



Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

Wow this is amazing, I have no idea how they can make this work.

Click on this and you will find a photograph of you at school!

[urlhttp://www.worldschoolphotographs.com/wsp/index1.htm[/url

Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS."

Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots
drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts,
40 peanuts, all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down
with a litre of prune juice."

Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your @rse is for ....

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur godness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batter, how moch is dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."




(Wait for it............)



"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the fairway. He thinks nothing of it and is about to play when he hears,

"Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears,

"Ribbit 9 Iron"

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing”. ”You must be a lucky frog, eh”?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" The man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man shot the best round of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.”

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6.."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and books the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you, you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a 12-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, “is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not Gary Glitter."

Q: What key opens up a caravan?
A: A .

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

Q: Did you hear about the Dyslexic pimp?
A: He bought a warehouse.

wet to watch the new film brokeback mountain....the ending is good where they ride into town shoot up the sherriff and get tossed in the jail.

BUM BUM!!

I'll get me coat...

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says " I vish to buy sex vit you "


"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky"
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky" So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.


"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?


"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do
you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a
free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them
and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you
perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned
to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do
you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them
back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a
free box of candles."


"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them
and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could
fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do
you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you
perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d!ck like you."

It may have been funny, but not that funny

Two nuns were sat in a bath one nun said to the other wheres the soap the other nun laughs and says yes it does doesn’t it

Ha Ha Ha

Brian Noble sent scouts out around the world looking for a new player that will hopefully save Bradford from relegation. One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi Winger who he thinks will turn out to be a superstar.

The Bulls manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Bradford.

Two weeks later Bradford are 28 -0 down to Castleford with only 20
minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi Winger the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 converted tries in 20 minutes and wins the game for The Bulls! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the Media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English RL.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says, "I played for 20 minutes today. We were 28-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everyone loves me, the fans, the Media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his Mum, "Let me tell you about my day... Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten, and your Brother has joined a gang of looters, all whilst you were having a great time".

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm SO
sorry".................

"Sorry!" says his mum, "Sorry!" ..."It's your fault we had to move to
Bradford in the first place!"

They are oldies but goodies



TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -
...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts.
The shrink says, Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, No, the steaks are too high.

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I know you can't, I've cut your arms off

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
Proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says I'll give you some cream to put on it.

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
' Is it common? '
It's not unusual.

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well,
says the vet,let's have a look at him, So he picks the dog
up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says,I'm going to have to put him down. What?
Because he's cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy

14. Guy goes into the doctor's.
Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
How's that?
Don't you start.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift?
I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other your round.
The other one says So are you, you fat bast**d!

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places
The doctor said, Well don't go there anymore

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
Expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night'