Child ......."Mummy Mummy! Do they have Christmas decorations in Vietnam?"

Mother......."Not usually, but this year they will be hanging Glitter"

Now that would be a bitch!

A blonde wanted some extra cash at weekend, so she decided to ask some one in a very big house of there were any jobs that she could do for them.
The man said,
"well i suppose that you could paint the porch.................. but it runs all the way around the house so it is a big job"
the blonde said,
"well, ok ill do it"
ten minutes later there was another knock at the door, it was the same blonde, she said,
"i've finished"
the man looked astounded, he said,
"allready? last year it took 5 men 2 days to finish"
the blonde looked pleased with herself and said,
"yes, i've finished............... but it wasn't a porsche it was a ferrari"

That one's been on before.

Cheers for that, I flung back in my seat when the soggy of dispise confronted me.

but hey

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden......."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees
bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So,
with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a
meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever
hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon
tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.



"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"





"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"





"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....





Ees.....







Ees.....









Ees........................










Ees, a Ham Bush"

A ventriloquist walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the owner"Can I talk to your dog?"

Owner: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Owner: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the owner)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play"

Owner: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Owner: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Owner: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the owner)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements"

Owner: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Owner: (In a panic) "THE SHEEPS A F***ING LIAR"

Tasteless but topical!

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince
Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes
off, my feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,

"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,"See I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.

Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.

Quote ="Yob"Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.'" christ that drives you mad

Quote ="Yob"Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.'" christ that drives you mad

Gary Glitter is to be the new Doctor Who. He will
have two female companions, K-9 and Shelley - 12.

Two nude statues, one male and the other female, have been stood opposite each other in the park for nigh on 100 years, when an Angel comes down and awakens them.

"I've brought you back to life for 30 minutes so that you may enjoy yourselves in that time. This is your reward for bringing pleasure to the eyes of millions."

The statues look at the Angel, then they look at each other. A big smile creeps accross their faces, and they leap off their pedestals and run into the bushes. Much giggling, laughter and various othe noises can be heard coming from the bushes, causing the Angel to smirk and blush.

After 15 mins., the statues return to the Angel wearing wide grins.

"You seem to have been enjoying yourselves from what I could hear", coughs the Angel. "But, you still have 15 mins. left, what are you going to do with the rest of your time?"

The male looks at the female and asks, "Shall we do it again?"

"OK," she replies. "But, can we change positions? You hold the pigeon down while I on it's head!"

Callum Best is to inherit £3m. The only problem is that he has to take all the bottles back!

Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by
St Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter,
"You must each possess something that symbolises
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man goes through his pockets and
pulls out a lighter, flicks it on,
saying, "It represents a candle."
"You may pass through the pearly gates,"
says St Peter.

The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes
them and says, "They're bells."
St Peter lets him pass.

The third man looks desperate and finally pulls
a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks
quizzical and asks, "Just how do those
symbolise Christmas?"

The man replies, "They're Carols."

One day a Councillor was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The Councillor thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of Bill Gates.

Since the Councillor knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there.

Then the Councillor decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof! He was back in his office.

You should send that in to the Courier for the mailbag

A man walked into a vet to collect his sick dog. The vet came in carrying the dog and said: im really sorry but i am going to have to put your dog down. The man burst into tears and said why?
because he's too heavy

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms .

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted . He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed . "I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"


The moral of this story : Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

ae-www.technion.ac.il/~jack/tmp/ ... e-hero.mpg

ae-www.technion.ac.il/~jack/tmp/ ... e-hero.mpg

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

In fact holidays and weekends is when I toil the most.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in extremely high temperatures.

_______________________________________

Dear Penis

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

As if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

The Calderdale Council

The award for 'Joke of the Year' goes to halifax rlfc 4 eva

hmmmm, you could well be right!