Sorry, but I've had a night out and I'm feeling rather pi$$ed, but I can't find anything funny about this.

Please explain.

VIZ BOCJ
Codenamed!
Im off

A NEW EYE TEST. (Check it out) I did and was surprised. I thought something was wrong with my eyes for the last year or so. I'm glad I took the test.



Do yourself a favour and take this simple test. It's an early test for cataracts. It's simple to do and it's fun. Remember, cataracts know no age boundary; young and old can have this "preventable" eye disease. When you're finished, send this on to those you care about!

[urlhttp://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf[/url

you cheeky barsteward

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black he was followed by a second long black he about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second he was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first he is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second he?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

What did Jack the rippers's mother say to him?- how come you never go out with the same girl twice


A golfer came home in a bad mood. i only hit two good balls today, he moaned, and thats when i stood on a rake


An old man was driving his car when his phone rang. It was his wife. herman, she cried, i just herd on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful.
Hell, exclaimed herman. Its not just one car its hundreds of them.

This was told by Ken Dodd this morning on the radio.


I walked into a church and there was a car in the aisle. I said to the vicar, "What's this car doing in church?"

The vicar answered, "It's here for a service!"

video.greatestjournal.com/files/ ... hlands.wmv Typical Jok! 8O

video.greatestjournal.com/files/ ... hlands.wmv Typical Jok! 8O

A man goes to a zoo, but when he arrives there, there's only a dog

It was a zu

this man went to a zoo, however it was full of vans
It was a Isuzu #-o

Child ......."Mummy Mummy! Do they have Christmas decorations in Vietnam?"

Mother......."Not usually, but this year they will be hanging Glitter"

Now that would be a bitch!

A blonde wanted some extra cash at weekend, so she decided to ask some one in a very big house of there were any jobs that she could do for them.
The man said,
"well i suppose that you could paint the porch.................. but it runs all the way around the house so it is a big job"
the blonde said,
"well, ok ill do it"
ten minutes later there was another knock at the door, it was the same blonde, she said,
"i've finished"
the man looked astounded, he said,
"allready? last year it took 5 men 2 days to finish"
the blonde looked pleased with herself and said,
"yes, i've finished............... but it wasn't a porsche it was a ferrari"

That one's been on before.

Cheers for that, I flung back in my seat when the soggy of dispise confronted me.

but hey

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden......."Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees
bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So,
with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you
can imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a
meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever
hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon
tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.



"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"





"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"





"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....





Ees.....







Ees.....









Ees........................










Ees, a Ham Bush"

A ventriloquist walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the owner"Can I talk to your dog?"

Owner: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Owner: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the owner)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play"

Owner: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Owner: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Owner: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the owner)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
elements"

Owner: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Owner: (In a panic) "THE SHEEPS A F***ING LIAR"

Tasteless but topical!

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince
Phillip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes
off, my feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,

"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SOOO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,"See I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe.

Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.

Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.

Quote ="Yob"Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.'" christ that drives you mad

Quote ="Yob"Not realy a joke, but one the girlies will like. Click on this www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click the mouse button. Amazing how they do this!! German ingenuity! After you're done, just rest your cursor off to the side and see what happens; then you can start over.'" christ that drives you mad

Gary Glitter is to be the new Doctor Who. He will
have two female companions, K-9 and Shelley - 12.

Two nude statues, one male and the other female, have been stood opposite each other in the park for nigh on 100 years, when an Angel comes down and awakens them.

"I've brought you back to life for 30 minutes so that you may enjoy yourselves in that time. This is your reward for bringing pleasure to the eyes of millions."

The statues look at the Angel, then they look at each other. A big smile creeps accross their faces, and they leap off their pedestals and run into the bushes. Much giggling, laughter and various othe noises can be heard coming from the bushes, causing the Angel to smirk and blush.

After 15 mins., the statues return to the Angel wearing wide grins.

"You seem to have been enjoying yourselves from what I could hear", coughs the Angel. "But, you still have 15 mins. left, what are you going to do with the rest of your time?"

The male looks at the female and asks, "Shall we do it again?"

"OK," she replies. "But, can we change positions? You hold the pigeon down while I on it's head!"

Callum Best is to inherit £3m. The only problem is that he has to take all the bottles back!