Maharishi Guide to Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, just f*** off and leave me alone.

The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre

The darkest hours come just before dawn, So, if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk, that’s the time to do it

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted

Remember, no one is listening until you fart

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else

Never test the depth of the water with both feet

If you think nobody cares whether you live of die, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time

Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket

A closed mouth gathers no feet

There are 2 theories about how to win an argument with women. Neither works

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving

Never miss a good chance to shut up

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our . From there on, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop in Baghdad,chatting;over a pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed.
He's 24 years old;"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides."a suicide bomber "Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born"."He's a martyr too
" says mum quietly." a car bomber "Oh gracious me", says the other."
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"................

A Pakistani arrives in the City of London all excited.



He stops the first person he meets. "Jalli-Good day, Mr. British man, thank you to accept me in your nice country", but the person interrupts and says: "I am not British -I'm Chinese. "



The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you Mr. British man for to let my family and me stay here... "

Again, he's interrupted before finishing his sentence.

"I no be British, I be Turk!"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Mr. British, me thank you for hospitality you give..."

... "But my friend, don't you see that I am African, not British."



He goes a little farther and meets another British and greets him "thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country."

... "I'm not British, I'm Kosovan."

"But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the British??"



The Kosovan looks at his watch and says ..... "Probably at work."

A bloke is in the Super Market queue when he notices a
rather dishy
blonde across from him raise her hand and smile hello.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving
to him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know
her from, so he
says
"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be
the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my
stag
night that I shgged on the pool table in front of all my
mates
whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck
a
cucumber up my a*se?"

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"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.”

“It's quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, “cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls”.

“I'd say you must be French.”

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."

Its funny how you never see brazilians in night clubs. I think its becasue they cant handle their ale.

I mean 8 shots and they are off their head!

A man has a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Stop it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

"First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."






Unless you meet Yob

(ok, so it wasn't in the original joke, but it had to be done!)

Q: Who was the last to f*ck the Aussies and bring back the Ashes?






A: Paula Yates.

I'll get my coat

DID YOU KNOW THIS ABOUT vodka?



1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziplock freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

16. NEVER DRINK THE STUFF - IT'LL KILL YOU!!

Chip went to a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber was foaming him up, Chip mentioned the problem he has
getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," said the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
Chip placed the ball in his mouth and received the closest shave he had
ever
experienced.
After a few strokes, Chip asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow
it?"

"No problem," replied the barber,"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does!"

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and
all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." What's the
moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs
in one basket!", Ashley said "Very good," the teacher replied.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers,too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we
had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched'. "That was a fine story, Sarah", said the teacher.

"Michael, do you have a story to share?" "Yes. My daddy told me
this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight
engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She
had to bail out over enemy territory and all she
had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens", said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy
tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f____ away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."

One day Alma came home from the doctors and broke the news to her husband that the doctor had told her she had only 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love to her. Of course he agreed and they made mad passionate love. 6 hours went by and Alma again went to her husband "Darling, I now have only 18 hours left to live. Will you make love to me again?"
Her husband agrees and they again make mad passi onate love.
Later they get into bed and Alma realises that she has only 8 hours left to live. She tapped her husband on the shoulder and said "Please darling, just one more time before I die". He agreed, then afterward he rolled over onto his side and fell asleep.
Alma however,heard the clock ticking in her head, she tossed and turned until she was down to only 4 more hours.
She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up"Darling I have only 4 hours left, could we....?"
Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said "For gods sake woman, I have to get up in the morning..You dont!!"

May have already been one but here goes


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door....... The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers "Did you help him?"
she asked.
"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still
there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.







"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Have you heard about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
He remained away all night long wondering whether there really was a dog

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson at some sy, showbiz do.

"So, Jeremy" says Kate. "What do you do?"

"I do Top Gear" replies Clarkson.

After a quick, furtive look-around, Kate whispers conspiratorily, "in that case, I'll have a couple of grams of coke."

Bloke goes to see his doctor, and says "I've not been feeling too good, Doc. In fact, I think that I've got that bird flu".

"What makes you think that?" queries that doctor.

"Well, " replies the patient, "for the past few days I've been feeling right peckish."








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A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That's a lovely fire engine" he says admiringly.

"Thanks" says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague", says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster."

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?"

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife! "

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said,"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday.

His dad said "We'd get you one but our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has just lost her job".

The next day, Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed.

His dad asks "Where are you going son?"

Patrick replied, "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait 'cos she was coming too. I'm not staying here on my own with an £80,000 mortgage and no friggin bike!".

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a glass of beer, and the bartender says, "That'll be four cents, please."

The guy nearly spits out his beer. "Four cents?!" he says in amazement. "How much for a plate of fish and chips with extra mashed potatoes and gravy and a side order of peas?"

"Eleven cents," says the bartender.

The customer says he's going to recommend this place to all of his friends because of the low prices. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Where's the manager so I can thank him for these low prices and shake his hand?"

"Upstairs," says the bartender, "with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" the customer asks.

"Same thing I'm doing to his bar and his money," the bartender calmly rep

A World-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps is walking down
the High Street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop
for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".


On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject
has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and
then. Naturally, being a World-renowned expert in the sounds of
European wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter
if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".


A few seconds later the World-renowned expert in the sounds of European
wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his
headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the
headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales
person's attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm A World-renowned expert in
the sounds of European wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp
sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some
mistake. Those are not wasp sounds with which I am familiar".


The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the
World-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps that he is indeed
listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".


Puzzled the World-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps
returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few
seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young
fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a
World-renowned expert in the sounds of European wasps and I've just been
listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say
again, those are not wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you
certain I have been listening to the correct recording?"


Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently
playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:





(wait for it)
























"Oops, sorry Sir, I seem to have played you the Bee side"

I'll get my coat