A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live.

There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.

He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200.

He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.

The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."

"Lucky??" he screamed, "lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24."

"F**k me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well"!

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie,
a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the
animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator
thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a
proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under the following 3 conditions.


"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

And last of all Eddie stated, "You've got to give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag.

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task" said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding at Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.

"Yes! You are correct Mrs. Jones" came the minister's quick reply. Soon Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck with the pin again. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam before she bore him his 99th son?"

As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that bloody thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

AMEN!" replied all the women in the Congregation.

A man goes to the doctors........

Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy!"
Doc - "What?"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?"
Man -"Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got."
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "I see, what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits."

[urlhttp://www.nemarov.com/media/1/20050112-Thetest-uk.swf[/url

How good is your concentration?

A man, an ostrich and a cat are sitting in a bar. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have half a beer, but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender pours the beers and says "That'll be $3.40 please." and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer" and the ostrich says "I'll have the same" and the cat says
"I'll have half a glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until late one evening the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well its close to last orders, so I'll
have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
"I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.

"That'll be $7.20," says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any
longer.

"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change from your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me 2 wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right, whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there" says the man.

The bartender then asks one other thing, "Sir, what's with the
ostrich and the cat?"

The man replies, "You know how it is, you get more than one wish. So
next I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy".

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.



The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.



When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

=========================================================

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when
the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!



*************************************************

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his
credit card.

************************************************

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.

************************************************

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say? "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was, a Fine spiritual leader"
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

************************************************

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean
to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".


************************************************


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

************************************************

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse"
he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe,
but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

***************************************************



John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

**************************************************

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to
his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first
man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.


"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."



********************************************************
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

two guy's at the bar. one was quietly having a drink the other had his head in his hands.
1st guy: what's the matter pal?
2nd guy:ive been all over town trying to get my wife a present and i cant find anything!

1st guy: well just do what i did
2nd guy:what's that then?

1st guy: buy her a pair of slippers and a dildo.
2nd guy: huh! why would you buy her those?

1st guy: well if she dont like the slippers then she can go f.u.c.k herself!!

An English family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in JJB Sports the son picks up an Irish rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this for Christmas". His sister is outraged by this promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". Off goes the little lad with the Irish rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with rugby shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whack his son around the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an Ireland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b*stards."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this? I haven't made the f***ing porridge yet!!"






During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree,and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity."

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in His new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman,

"F??? me, a new brothel and a new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman Indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up,we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well f??? me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Jim?"

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,"This bull mated 120 times last year."The wife hit her husband and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. you could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time."

(The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable. He should be able to eat soft foods in a week, and is expected to make a full recovery.)

Maharishi Guide to Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, just f*** off and leave me alone.

The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre

The darkest hours come just before dawn, So, if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk, that’s the time to do it

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted

Remember, no one is listening until you fart

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else

Never test the depth of the water with both feet

If you think nobody cares whether you live of die, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen

Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time

Good judgement comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgement

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket

A closed mouth gathers no feet

There are 2 theories about how to win an argument with women. Neither works

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving

Never miss a good chance to shut up

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our . From there on, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop in Baghdad,chatting;over a pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed.
He's 24 years old;"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides."a suicide bomber "Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born"."He's a martyr too
" says mum quietly." a car bomber "Oh gracious me", says the other."
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes."
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"................

A Pakistani arrives in the City of London all excited.



He stops the first person he meets. "Jalli-Good day, Mr. British man, thank you to accept me in your nice country", but the person interrupts and says: "I am not British -I'm Chinese. "



The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Thank you Mr. British man for to let my family and me stay here... "

Again, he's interrupted before finishing his sentence.

"I no be British, I be Turk!"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by. "Mr. British, me thank you for hospitality you give..."

... "But my friend, don't you see that I am African, not British."



He goes a little farther and meets another British and greets him "thank you for letting me come to your beautiful country."

... "I'm not British, I'm Kosovan."

"But," answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the British??"



The Kosovan looks at his watch and says ..... "Probably at work."

A bloke is in the Super Market queue when he notices a
rather dishy
blonde across from him raise her hand and smile hello.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving
to him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know
her from, so he
says
"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be
the father of
one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my
stag
night that I shgged on the pool table in front of all my
mates
whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck
a
cucumber up my a*se?"

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.”

“It's quite OK,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.”

“Oh, that would be wonderful” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.”

“Oh, thank you! Thank you, “cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.”

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls”.

“I'd say you must be French.”

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."

Its funny how you never see brazilians in night clubs. I think its becasue they cant handle their ale.

I mean 8 shots and they are off their head!

A man has a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "Stop it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then she turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

"First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."






Unless you meet Yob

(ok, so it wasn't in the original joke, but it had to be done!)

Q: Who was the last to f*ck the Aussies and bring back the Ashes?






A: Paula Yates.

I'll get my coat