A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top
of his Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and
goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
on her knees and blows it back up again."

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!



"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens
up,and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

"Ees, a Ham Bush"

NEWSFLASH

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early hours of Tuesday 2nd September 2003

Epicentre: Brighouse, England

News of the disaster was swiftly carried by 85,000 racing pigeons

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "foookinell" and
"choofinnorah" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30
worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giro arrived.

Radio Brighouse reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Brighouse

One resident - Tracy Sharon Braithwaite, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said"It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning"

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

Adidas or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockfort boots and any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same

Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice-cream
and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips,
crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet
of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is
unfair on the population or neighbouring areas.
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early hours of Tuesday 2nd September 2003

Epicentre: Brighouse, England

News of the disaster was swiftly carried by 85,000 racing pigeons

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "foookinell" and
"choofinnorah" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30
worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giro arrived.

Radio Brighouse reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Brighouse

One resident - Tracy Sharon Braithwaite, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said"It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning"

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

Adidas or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockfort boots and any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same

Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice-cream
and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips,
crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet
of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is
unfair on the population or neighbouring areas.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received
from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:

I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:

She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:

I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It's not my f______ problem.



TRY SAYING:

That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:

This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:

I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the h_ __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:

He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING! :

So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:

I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:

Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:

I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:

This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:

You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:

He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:

He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,

Human Resources

Hope this isn't elsewhere in the thread, can't be bothered going through it all.

Trip itinery:

1.Arrive at London Heathrow Airport.

2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

3.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.

5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles

6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" - follow for 2.9 miles

7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles

8.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

9."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0miles

11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

12.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7miles

16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

17.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now that's the way to Amarillo, SO CAN EVERYONE STOP F**KING SINGING IT.....NOW PLEASE !!!

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
>
> discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
>
> fertile deltas.
>
>
>
> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
>
> developed and open to trade especially for someone
>
> with cash.
>
>
>
> Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot,
>
> relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
>
>
>
> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently
>
> aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
>
>
>
> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the
>
> war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive
>
> reconstruction is now necessary.
>
>
>
> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
>
> borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps
>
> people away.
>
>
>
> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
>
> glorious and all conquering past but alas, no
>
> future.
>
>
>
> After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone
>
> knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
>

> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
>
>
> Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a
>
> dick.

Best one in a while.

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the
treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon,
the Prime Minister of Israel sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals
for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their
representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the
proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in
his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr.
Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of
cooperation, we will also win the match. Everyone agreed that this was a
great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and
he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some
good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I
have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting
was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilley were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when "Ed the Flasher" approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke, but Tilley, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

A Bradford girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Bradford
girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"

Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Bradford girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY
or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

------------------------------

A Bradford girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."
she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies.

"This time it's mayonnaise."

--------------------------------

A Bradford Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

---------------------------------

A Bradford girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "I’m from Bleeding Bradford."

------------------------------------

A Bradford girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was

her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Bradford girl, "There's hundreds of
them!"

----------------------------

Another Bradford girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till

she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!"

A man goes to the doctors. The doc checks him over, and says "sorry mate, but you have yellow 24, a nasty virus, so called as it turns your blood yellow and you only have 24 hours to live.

There's nothing I can do for you - just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to wifey, and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to accompany her to bingo that evening so he can experience her idea of a night out, as he's never been there before.

He gets his 1st card, and wins 4 corners - prize £350, and then gets any line and wins £3200.

He also calls for a full house - and wins a grand. The national grid comes up and he wins a further £380,000.

The bingo Caller gets him on stage, and says "son - I've never seen you in here in all my life, but you won 4 corners, any line, full house & the national grid - I've never met anyone so lucky."

"Lucky??" he screamed, "lucky? I'll have you know I've got yellow 24."

"F**k me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well"!

A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of
gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian
determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie,
a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the
animal's cages.

Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator
thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a
proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully.

The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer,
but only under the following 3 conditions.


"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

And last of all Eddie stated, "You've got to give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag.

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What should I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task" said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding at Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp object.

"Yes! You are correct Mrs. Jones" came the minister's quick reply. Soon Mrs. Jones nodded off again. And again the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck with the pin again. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again nodded off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam before she bore him his 99th son?"

As Mr. Jones enthusiastically poked his wife's thigh with the hatpin piercing her skin she screamed, "You stick that bloody thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

AMEN!" replied all the women in the Congregation.

A man goes to the doctors........

Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy!"
Doc - "What?"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?"
Man -"Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got."
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "I see, what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits."

[urlhttp://www.nemarov.com/media/1/20050112-Thetest-uk.swf[/url

How good is your concentration?

A man, an ostrich and a cat are sitting in a bar. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have half a beer, but I'm not paying for it."

The bartender pours the beers and says "That'll be $3.40 please." and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer" and the ostrich says "I'll have the same" and the cat says
"I'll have half a glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until late one evening the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well its close to last orders, so I'll
have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
"I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.

"That'll be $7.20," says the bartender.

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any
longer.

"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change from your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me 2 wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right, whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there" says the man.

The bartender then asks one other thing, "Sir, what's with the
ostrich and the cat?"

The man replies, "You know how it is, you get more than one wish. So
next I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy".

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.



The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.



When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh, honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

=========================================================

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when
the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and
asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!!!



*************************************************

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his
credit card.

************************************************

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.

************************************************

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say? "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was, a Fine spiritual leader"
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

************************************************

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean
to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".


************************************************


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

************************************************

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse"
he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe,
but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

***************************************************



John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last
request, dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

**************************************************

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to
his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first
man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying.


"You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."



********************************************************
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what
I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your
wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

two guy's at the bar. one was quietly having a drink the other had his head in his hands.
1st guy: what's the matter pal?
2nd guy:ive been all over town trying to get my wife a present and i cant find anything!

1st guy: well just do what i did
2nd guy:what's that then?

1st guy: buy her a pair of slippers and a dildo.
2nd guy: huh! why would you buy her those?

1st guy: well if she dont like the slippers then she can go f.u.c.k herself!!

An English family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in JJB Sports the son picks up an Irish rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this for Christmas". His sister is outraged by this promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother". Off goes the little lad with the Irish rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with rugby shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an Ireland supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father is outraged and promptly whack his son around the head and says "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an Ireland supporter for an hour and already I hate you English b*stards."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this? I haven't made the f***ing porridge yet!!"






During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea.

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general
shot him dead. This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree,and it's an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity."

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in His new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman,

"F??? me, a new brothel and a new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman Indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up,we're not prostitutes" complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well f??? me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Jim?"

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,"This bull mated 120 times last year."The wife hit her husband and
said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. you could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time."

(The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable. He should be able to eat soft foods in a week, and is expected to make a full recovery.)