Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his
new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the
golf pro is.

"Top o' the mornin' to ya."

As Tiger gets out of the car, two wooden tees fall out of his
pants pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees, " replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies
Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.

A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you".

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem. You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home".

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"



Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

What did the well-hung butcher say when he dropped the meat cleaver in his lap?



















Won't be long now!

Norman and his wife live in Minneapolis. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are
having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out and Norman's wife is very upset.

With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With all the love and understanding in his voice that only a man who is
married to a blonde can exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?"

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk.
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember
to use Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said.
"What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the $hit"

Q. Why do women have two sets of lips?

A. One set to argue with and one set to apologise with.

Did you know, that a Blow-Job is the only job in the world, that can't be included in your CV despite years of experience & number of references!

The minister of a Baptist church decides that God is calling the church to a new vision
of what it is to be and to do. So at the Elders' Meeting, he presents the new vision with
as much energy, conviction and passion as he can muster. When he had finished
and sat down, the chair of the meeting called for a vote. All 14 elders voted against
the new vision, with only the minister voting for it.

'Well, pastor, it looks like you will have to think again,' says the chairman. 'Would you
like to close the meeting in prayer?'

So the minister stands up, raises his hand to heaven, and prays, 'LORD, will you not
show these people that this is not MY vision but it is YOUR vision!'

At that moment, the clouds darken, thunder rolls, and a streak of lightning bursts
through the window and strikes in two the table at which they are sitting, throwing the
minister and all the elders to the ground.

After a moment's silence, as they all get up and dust themselves off, the chairman
speaks again.

'Well, that's fourteen votes to two then.'

14 things a man can do at a shopping place while his wife is taking her time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys
when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies
toilet.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code
3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers
you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the
Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through,
say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then
yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

A woman goes to the doctor saying, "Dr, Dr, every
time I pull down my pants my fanny starts singing
Show Me The Way To Amarillo." The doctor replies,
"there's nothing to worry about... every 's
singing that at the moment..."

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

Freaky facts ....................................

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

All polar bears are left handed.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top
of his Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and
goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
on her knees and blows it back up again."

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable,
when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!



"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens
up,and Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

"Ees, a Ham Bush"

NEWSFLASH

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early hours of Tuesday 2nd September 2003

Epicentre: Brighouse, England

News of the disaster was swiftly carried by 85,000 racing pigeons

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "foookinell" and
"choofinnorah" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30
worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giro arrived.

Radio Brighouse reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Brighouse

One resident - Tracy Sharon Braithwaite, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said"It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning"

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

Adidas or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockfort boots and any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same

Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice-cream
and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips,
crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet
of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is
unfair on the population or neighbouring areas.
A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early hours of Tuesday 2nd September 2003

Epicentre: Brighouse, England

News of the disaster was swiftly carried by 85,000 racing pigeons

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "foookinell" and
"choofinnorah" The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30
worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
Costa's were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giro arrived.

Radio Brighouse reported that hundreds of residents were confused and
bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Brighouse

One resident - Tracy Sharon Braithwaite, a 15-year-old mother of 3 said"It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Madonna came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning"

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery
from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after, items most needed include:

Adidas or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockfort boots and any other items usually sold in Primark

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same

Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice-cream
and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips,
crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet
of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is
unfair on the population or neighbouring areas.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received
from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1) TRY SAYING:

I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:

You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:

She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:

She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:

And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:

No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:

Really?

INSTEAD OF:

You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:

Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:

Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:

I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:

It's not my f______ problem.



TRY SAYING:

That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:

What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:

I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:

This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:

I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:

Why the h_ __ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:

He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:

He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:

Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:

Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING! :

So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:

Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:

I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:

F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:

I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:

Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:

I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:

This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:

You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:

Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING:

He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:

He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,

Human Resources

Hope this isn't elsewhere in the thread, can't be bothered going through it all.

Trip itinery:

1.Arrive at London Heathrow Airport.

2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

3.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles.

5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles

6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" - follow for 2.9 miles

7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles

8.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

9."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0miles

11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

12.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7miles

16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

17.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now that's the way to Amarillo, SO CAN EVERYONE STOP F**KING SINGING IT.....NOW PLEASE !!!

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

> Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
>
> discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
>
> fertile deltas.
>
>
>
> Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well
>
> developed and open to trade especially for someone
>
> with cash.
>
>
>
> Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot,
>
> relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
>
>
>
> Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently
>
> aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
>
>
>
> Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the
>
> war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive
>
> reconstruction is now necessary.
>
>
>
> Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and
>
> borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps
>
> people away.
>
>
>
> Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a
>
> glorious and all conquering past but alas, no
>
> future.
>
>
>
> After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone
>
> knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
>

> THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
>
>
>
> Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a
>
> dick.

Best one in a while.

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the
treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon,
the Prime Minister of Israel sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals
for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their
representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the
proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in
his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout
Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr.
Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of
cooperation, we will also win the match. Everyone agreed that this was a
great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and
he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some
good news and some bad news, Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I
have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting
was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilley were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when "Ed the Flasher" approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke, but Tilley, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.

A Bradford girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Bradford
girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"

Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Bradford girl "its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY
or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

------------------------------

A Bradford girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress."
she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies.

"This time it's mayonnaise."

--------------------------------

A Bradford Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

---------------------------------

A Bradford girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "I’m from Bleeding Bradford."

------------------------------------

A Bradford girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was

her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Bradford girl, "There's hundreds of
them!"

----------------------------

Another Bradford girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till

she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Sharon: "Ok."

Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralyzed from the waist down!"