They've just entered a piece of evidence in the Michael Jackson case - a white glove with one brown finger

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,

"What would you like to discuss?"

" Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde.

"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde,

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ?"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.



One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him

that she was pregnant.



Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a

large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have

the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would

also provide child support until the child turned 18. She

agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.



To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post

card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange

for child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused

wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card

today."



"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The

wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned

white and fainted.



On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two

with meatballs, one without."

PRINCE CHARLES

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment" said the genie.

"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life,
Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince
Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie
the second photo. "

You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can
make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said,












"Let's have a look at that dog again."

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me s#x. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Subject: new bank procedures



A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancels and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

What do you call a sheep tied to a tree in Whitehaven???

A Play Station...

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to
the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

a woman was in the kitchen doing the washing up while listening to the radio, on come Tony Christie.

the woman say I’m f*@king sick of this song and pulls out a knife and starts stabbing her pan scrubber.

realising what she had done she says














is this the way to harm a brillo.

Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his
new Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the
golf pro is.

"Top o' the mornin' to ya."

As Tiger gets out of the car, two wooden tees fall out of his
pants pocket. "So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees, " replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies
Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.

A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat."

What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to you".

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem. You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home".

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight
attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"


The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.


The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"



Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

What did the well-hung butcher say when he dropped the meat cleaver in his lap?



















Won't be long now!

Norman and his wife live in Minneapolis. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are
having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out and Norman's wife is very upset.

With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With all the love and understanding in his voice that only a man who is
married to a blonde can exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?"

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed
to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk.
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember
to use Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said.
"What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the $hit"

Q. Why do women have two sets of lips?

A. One set to argue with and one set to apologise with.

Did you know, that a Blow-Job is the only job in the world, that can't be included in your CV despite years of experience & number of references!

The minister of a Baptist church decides that God is calling the church to a new vision
of what it is to be and to do. So at the Elders' Meeting, he presents the new vision with
as much energy, conviction and passion as he can muster. When he had finished
and sat down, the chair of the meeting called for a vote. All 14 elders voted against
the new vision, with only the minister voting for it.

'Well, pastor, it looks like you will have to think again,' says the chairman. 'Would you
like to close the meeting in prayer?'

So the minister stands up, raises his hand to heaven, and prays, 'LORD, will you not
show these people that this is not MY vision but it is YOUR vision!'

At that moment, the clouds darken, thunder rolls, and a streak of lightning bursts
through the window and strikes in two the table at which they are sitting, throwing the
minister and all the elders to the ground.

After a moment's silence, as they all get up and dust themselves off, the chairman
speaks again.

'Well, that's fourteen votes to two then.'

14 things a man can do at a shopping place while his wife is taking her time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys
when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies
toilet.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code
3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers
you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the
Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme
from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through,
say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then
yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

A woman goes to the doctor saying, "Dr, Dr, every
time I pull down my pants my fanny starts singing
Show Me The Way To Amarillo." The doctor replies,
"there's nothing to worry about... every 's
singing that at the moment..."

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

I repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies,

"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush"

Freaky facts ....................................

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

All polar bears are left handed.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.