An Englishman and an Irishman enter the door of a cellar, the Irishman trips and falls down the stairs, the Englishman says ''have you broken anything mate'' the Irishman looks around the room and replies ''I dont think so''

Thats shokin 8O

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean.
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and then she tried to take your pants off.
You screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table £539.99
Hot Breakfast £14.20
Two Aspirins .38P
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless

Camilla goes to talk to the Queen, "You know, every
time I suck Charles' cock I get indigestion."
The Queen replies, "Well, have you tried Andrew's?"

The Queen's no room to talk.
She only started courting because people told her wonderful the new Philips 12 inch was.........

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's spot on...."

A rabbit walks into a butchers and says "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "No this is a butchers we don't sell lettuce."

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any lettuce?"

Again the butcher explains that it's a butchers and doesn't sell
lettuce.

Next day the rabbit walks in and says, "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "I'm sick of telling you this is a ******* butchers.
You ask again and I'll nail your ears to the wall!"

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any nails?"

The butcher says, "No." and the rabbit
says,...................................................














"Got any lettuce?"

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient.
'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies: 'I've been trying to contact you since
yesterday'.

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his
way with a gift cheque for 500 pounds. At the second house they
presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
whiskey. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where the
dumb blonde fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five
Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the
fiver for?"
"Well", said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for
you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
..........the breakfast was my idea."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some cond0ms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about cond0ms and sex.
At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many c0ndoms he'd like
tobuy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

"I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!"

The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I 'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head
down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a f*cking pharmacist."

That list of real Family Fortunes answers in full…

Q. Name something you take to the beach
A. Turkey sandwiches

Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword

Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon

Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell

Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar

Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde

Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs

Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse

Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water

Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair

Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail

Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7

Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed

Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings

Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing

Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters

Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet

Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate

Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog

Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs

Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April

Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman

Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod

Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato

Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam

Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock

Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window

Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant

Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard

Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee

Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish

Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red dot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
religion.

[size=150 The true story [/size

It has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.





On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red
dot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
or a motel in the United States.

Not only did they have to change the date of the Royal Wedding because
of the Popes funeral, but now they've had to change the time of the
Grand National so Camilla can run in the race

For Sale - Electric golf cart. One careful owner. Tel Rome 513-666

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how
to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and
spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

How do you know when it's bed time at Jacko's Neverland ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand....

They've just entered a piece of evidence in the Michael Jackson case - a white glove with one brown finger

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy,

"What would you like to discuss?"

" Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde.

"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde,

"How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ?"

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.



One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him

that she was pregnant.



Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a

large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have

the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would

also provide child support until the child turned 18. She

agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.



To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post

card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange

for child support payments to begin.



One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused

wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card

today."



"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The

wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned

white and fainted.



On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two

with meatballs, one without."

PRINCE CHARLES

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment" said the genie.

"As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but
let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.

"This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life,
Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and
pulled out two photos.

"I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince
Charles, showing the genie the first photo.

"But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie
the second photo. "

You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can
make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes
said,












"Let's have a look at that dog again."

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach-ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me s#x. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Subject: new bank procedures



A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancels and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake

What do you call a sheep tied to a tree in Whitehaven???

A Play Station...

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to
the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".

The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

a woman was in the kitchen doing the washing up while listening to the radio, on come Tony Christie.

the woman say I’m f*@king sick of this song and pulls out a knife and starts stabbing her pan scrubber.

realising what she had done she says














is this the way to harm a brillo.