Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


So - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Irish Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Five Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £1000 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £1000 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

--------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

----------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

------------------------------------------
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, here he was proudly perched at the top of
the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there for long.

I noticed that the prosecution in the Michael Jackson case have asked that, if found guilty, he be melted down and made into toys so kids can play with him instead!

(Allegedly!)

A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back." He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?" She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. And this had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me! ! . I showed her to the door. She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

=greenI know this is not a joke, but I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did



The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Bristol chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my first year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

=greenI know this isn't a joke either but

That sounds like something Office Boy would write!

Subject: Worcester Sauce Recent cancer scare


Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please.


Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.


Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?


Shopkeeper: Ah that's the same , Cancer scare


Customer: Hamburger Relish?


Shopkeeper: Cancer scare


Customer: Sausage and Mash?


Shopkeeper: Cancer scare


Customer: Cottage Pie?


Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare.


Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?


Shopkeeper: Yes

v
v
v
v
v
Customer: (sigh) Fekin Hell ! Just give me a packet of fags then.
Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.

Customer: Thanks !!

Piston Broke finds that he is unable to do the business, this after several years of Married life.

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
So the doctor refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."

He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with Billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once A year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

PB then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

"All you or your partner has to say is '1234,' and it will go down. " But be warned: "It will not work again for another year."

PB goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123," and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said.

His wife, who was facing the other way, turns over and says, "What Did you say '123' for?"

An Englishman and an Irishman enter the door of a cellar, the Irishman trips and falls down the stairs, the Englishman says ''have you broken anything mate'' the Irishman looks around the room and replies ''I dont think so''

Thats shokin 8O

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean.
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and then she tried to take your pants off.
You screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table £539.99
Hot Breakfast £14.20
Two Aspirins .38P
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless

Camilla goes to talk to the Queen, "You know, every
time I suck Charles' cock I get indigestion."
The Queen replies, "Well, have you tried Andrew's?"

The Queen's no room to talk.
She only started courting because people told her wonderful the new Philips 12 inch was.........

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly... please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight's spot on...."

A rabbit walks into a butchers and says "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "No this is a butchers we don't sell lettuce."

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any lettuce?"

Again the butcher explains that it's a butchers and doesn't sell
lettuce.

Next day the rabbit walks in and says, "Got any lettuce?"

The butcher says, "I'm sick of telling you this is a ******* butchers.
You ask again and I'll nail your ears to the wall!"

Next day the rabbit walks in again and says, "Got any nails?"

The butcher says, "No." and the rabbit
says,...................................................














"Got any lettuce?"

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient.
'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies: 'I've been trying to contact you since
yesterday'.

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he
arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his
way with a gift cheque for 500 pounds. At the second house they
presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
whiskey. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When he had enough they went downstairs, where the
dumb blonde fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured
him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a Five
Pound Note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, but what's the
fiver for?"
"Well", said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for
you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, 'F**k him. Give him a fiver.'
..........the breakfast was my idea."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he
takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some cond0ms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about cond0ms and sex.
At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many c0ndoms he'd like
tobuy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

"I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her body at LEAST twice!!"

The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy
will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I 'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head
down. 10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a f*cking pharmacist."

That list of real Family Fortunes answers in full…

Q. Name something you take to the beach
A. Turkey sandwiches

Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword

Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon

Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell

Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar

Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde

Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs

Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse

Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water

Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair

Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail

Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7

Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed

Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings

Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing

Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters

Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet

Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate

Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog

Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs

Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April

Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman

Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod

Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato

Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam

Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock

Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window

Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant

Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard

Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee

Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish

Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red dot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
religion.

[size=150 The true story [/size

It has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in
Washington, D.C. When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.





On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red
dot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
or a motel in the United States.

Not only did they have to change the date of the Royal Wedding because
of the Popes funeral, but now they've had to change the time of the
Grand National so Camilla can run in the race

For Sale - Electric golf cart. One careful owner. Tel Rome 513-666

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and
during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how
to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and
spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to
gasp,"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

How do you know when it's bed time at Jacko's Neverland ranch?

When the big hand touches the little hand....