The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised
my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and
the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m. (a bit loaded) I
went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and
cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order
to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him
"midnight." He didn't seem mad at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another
three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the
coffee table and farted."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of Semi Skimmed milk,
A carton of eggs,
A carton of fresh orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. jar of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Chinese in 10 Minutes:

1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP............................... Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ............................... Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse .............................. Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach? ................. Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table ............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8 ) I think you need a face lift ............. Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ................... Wao So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone ................. No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week .. Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight .................... Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive ............. Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great ................................... Fa Kin Su Pah

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, sir, I think it is just fair giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a lorry driver.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.
Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.


Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the
bank
manager and disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

Beer drinkers, BAD NEWS

You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a second look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
theory, 100 men were each given 8 pints of beer to be drank within a one
hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive well, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
"You've sinned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me sin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."

A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night. His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?"
He says, "No."


She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"


He says, "Well, apparently, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 10 meters above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," he replied, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man responded, "you must be in management."

"I am," she replied, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in military service?"
"Yes," he says, "For three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 7:30 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow, come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 7:30 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first few hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."

A man rings his office and says,
"I can't come into work today as I'm sick."

His boss asks him, "So how sick are you?
"Well, says the man, "I'm in bed with
my 12 year old son..."

A man and a woman meet each other in a nightclub, and its love at first sight. Sparks fly, they hit it off, and they know they are made for one another. They decide to get married the next day.

The woman says to the man "I must tell you, im flat chested, there's nothing there, im sorry."

"It doesnt matter. You are the woman of my dreams, and I know you are the one, I love you... Besides, I have something to tell you"

"Go on" Says the woman

"Well.... you know....im like a ..a...Baby down there!"

"That doesn't matter. We are soul mates, you are so hansom. Size isn't everything. I love you"

They get married, and later that evening, in a vegas hotel room, they are all over each other. Down come the husband's trollies, and the woman takes one look at the man's nether region, and faints.

After coming round, the man asks:

"What's up?"

The woman replies "I thought you said you were like a baby down there!"

And the man replies:

"Yeah, 7 Ibs 6 ounces!"

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo bread purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the
leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year
they send us a complete dick."

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds
into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Russell Smith died and went to Heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the Pearly Gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter.If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics he would be let in.

Smithy thinks for a minute and says "I was reffing a challenge cup quarter final at a packed Shay between Halifax and the Bulls when Halifax were one point up with 30 seconds to go. After a blistering handling move the ball pops out to Wobbie on the wing and as he dived over to score he drops the ball. However as the Bulls had been the best team on the day I allowed the try and the Bulls won."

St Peter says "That was certainly very brave of you but I'll have to check it in the book"

After a while St Peter returns and says "When did this brave deed happen. I can't find a mention of it anywhere."

Smithy looks at his watch "About 45 seconds ago."

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm.
He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine.

"Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're
not available."

"Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep."

"Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

I was walking down the cobbles in uptown Castleford the other week, when I came across their rugby league club's new antipodean coach. He had a big grin on his face and was carrying a sheep under each arm.

"You shearing, mate?", I enquired.

"Nah!" came the reply.

"I'm gonna shag 'em both!"






I'll get me coat.

> A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
> animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
> first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the
> following:
>
> "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
> once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
>
> " You foul-mouthed s@x obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country.......we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........"
>
> "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta s@x? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

There was an exorcism in Ireland last week.


It took the Devil an hour to get the priest out of the boy.

A Jelly Baby and a Smartie were sat at the bar chatting. The Smartie suggests going for a drink down town. The Jelly Baby is not so sure saying he is soft and fears being beaten up. The Smartie reassures him "I'm a hard case. I'll protect you". So off they went.

Down town they are sat drinking when three Lockets burst into the pub. The Smartie dives under the table and the Lockets proceed to kick seven bells out of the Jelly Baby.

The Lockets walk out, the Smartie crawls out from underneath the table and the Jelly asks " I thought you were a hard case and was going to protect me."

The Smartie "You must be joking. Those Lockets are F$$cking menthol."

A father and his pre-pubescent son were in a chemist waiting for their prescription, when the young lad espied the condoms behind the counter.

"What's a condom, Dad?" enquires the sprog.

"You use them to practice safe sex" replies an embarrassed Dad.

"Why are they in a packet of three?"

"They're for young men just discovering the joyful world of sex" says his father. "One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."

"And there is a packet with six in it!" exclaims the boy.

"That's for the young men at college. Two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night."

"Wow, Dad, Look!! There's a packet of twelve" shouts the amazed kid.

"Ah, now,"says Dad. "They're for married men."

"One for January, one for February, one for March......."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked, "Who the hell is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

Me and my mates went to fax baths recently, my mate opted to not use the top board this time.
This is because two years ago he thought hed be matcho and impress the birds by attempting an audacious dive, however he hiself when about to go overboard and slipped on the mat and had to cling on to the edge of the board until the lifeguards ''rescued him''
We laughed until our side split, silly clown

That was not a joke, however it was a SERIOUS moment in the world, it should have been on SKY news, a main bulleten

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."