I can't remember if I've posted this one on here before. If so, sorry.

In about 1987 the scooter scene was at its peak. Attendances of around 8 -10 thousand were common and as a result camp sites were heaving.
We went to Scarborough for the weekend, arrived there late and had to pitch our tents wherever we could, instead of having the usual encampment.

Saturday and the drinking starts at lunchtime with the then mid afternoon break when the pubs shut and we found an offlicence to carry on drinking. The pubs open again at tea time and more beer is chucked down our throats before we fall out of the 'do' at about two in the morning.
Pished doesn't even come into it.
There's a long walk back to the site and bottles of vodka and strange cigarettes are handed about, resulting in complete and utter intoxication by the time we get back. Everyone is in a similar state, and we say our goodnights before we seperate to find our tents.
After about twenty minutes of wandering round I find my tent, unzip it and fall in. And land on some bloke who's found his way into my tent by accident. I kick him awake, he appologises and crawls out again.
Daylight dawns at stupid o'clock and I wake up and the first thing that comes to mind is the muppet from the night before. The second thought is 'that's not my helmet', which is rapidly followed by thoughts three and four, being 'that's not my coat' and 'this isn't my sleeping bag'...
No prizes for guessing what I'd done. I crept out of the tent, past the still sleeping owner of the tent and vanished off into the distance to find my own, empty tent.

That wasn't the last of it...

About five years ago I was at a rally in the midlands and got talking to some bloke about daft adventures on rallies. I had to make a quick exit when he started on about some bloke who'd hoofed him out of his tent in Scarborough, though apparently I'm a six foot six skinhead who's built like an outhouse.

I wish...

Similiar to Scooter's (and apologies if posted previously). Me and a mate (him of poleless tent fame) went fishing on the Trent and decided to stay overnight. We went the pub and had a few. We then went back to our "hotel" - being an old wooden garage on the river bank, with no front doors and which was a horses home! We get there in the pitch dark and for some reason I decide to go in first. I was more than a bit nervous. The thought of standing on a sleeping horse in the dark and it rearing up in a panic in a confined space was not a pleasant one (and more than likely would have proved fatal). So I'm sticking my leg out feeling in the straw and eventually get right in to the back. Bed down in the straw (presumably full of fleas and worse) and its freezing cold - unfortunately the wind is blowing in the wrong direction - straight upstream and into the open end of the garage. So, we get underneath the straw. 5 minutes later we hear a noise - a group of drunken lads coming our way. Starting to get worried again now. Anyway, they actually come in. So we just keep very quiet to avoid the possibilty of getting beaten up.

Next morning they start to wake up and we keep quiet hoping they'll go. Then one of them, presumably seeing a mound in the straw, gently kicks me and tells me to get up, thinking it's his mate. I emerge and rise Frankenstein-like, sitting up, from the straw and the lad practically s himself!

I was in Florida one year and was having a conversation in the ice-cream queue with my wife (as she was then, I'm divorced now). Some American woman asked if I was from Scotland, to which I replied "no, North of England".

Her little face lit up as she exclaimed "Yeah!!! Scotland!!!"

I once heard an American say she'd been to "Wales, England." It was just a shame there were no Welsh around to hear her!

Similarly, I was working with some 'murrkens near Gatwick and one asked me where I was from.
I replied "Yorkshire ... it's in the North of England"
She said "Ah, Scotland, right?"

We ended up having to draw a map a paper napkin to show what was England/Scotland/Northern Ireland/Republic of Ireland, what was Great Britain and what was the UK.

She nodded understanding all the way through and, at the end, said "OK, I got it ... but it's all in England, right?"

Once saw a bloke slip and fall over on a banana skin. Funniest thing I have ever and suspect will ever see

Haha. Reminds me of a fax sent to a company my mate was working for in Wrexham from an American company addressed to "...Wrexham, Wales, England."

The English employees thought it was hilarious, whilst the Welsh employees didn't.

I have a friend who in his late-teens was going out with a girl named Katie. He was head over heels and he got her name tattooed across his back. When the inevitable breakup happened the following year, he had the tattoo removed.

A couple of years later he married a girl called Katie and decided to get the same design tattooed on his shoulder. 5 years later he got divorced and he had the tattoo removed.

The last time I saw him was in a bar in Leeds a couple of years ago. He told me that he'd been seeing a girl for 4 months - Katie - and that he was having her name tattooed on his forearm.

According to Facebook he is currently single. Some people never learn.

When on my travels with the Navy, me and a mate where talking to a rather enthusiastic septic. When he discovered that we were from the UK he piped up about his Daughter who was "half Hispanic, half Polish and half English" my mate quipped ins response, "big girl is she?"

He contemplated this remarks for a few seconds with a puzzled look on his face, before asking "how did you know that?"

When I was in London for the Olympics I heard a group of American teenage girls have a serious discussion about when Britain gained its independence from the US. Took all I had not to beat them merciesly.

Some would argue it has not yet!

My dads one of those people that attracts humorous calamities wherever he goes in a kind of gently bemusing 'Last of the summer wine' way. His most recent one:

He's a keen birdwatcher, too keen really. He subscribes to something called birdline which means he gets texts informing him of rare birds popping up in various districts around the regions and got one very early in the morning a few weeks ago about some Hawfinches somewhere north of the trough of Bowland. Deciding he has to see them he packs all his gear up and gets out of the house by about 6:30am. It's a pretty remote spot he's headed to and it takes about an hour and a quarter of M6 then local roads. Anyway, as he arrives at the spot it's obvious a job lot of other twitchers have had the same text as he pulls into the car park next to where the birds are to see about 40 other vehicles and around a hundred birdwatchers/photographers set up with their gear. After pulling into the only spot left he realised it has been left clear so everyone can see the birds and that he's blocking everyones view. Putting his motor into reverse he turns round to look out of the back as he's reversing out and catches the horn on the wheel with his elbow. All of the birds fly off never to return, exited the vehicle to a volley of abuse.

On a similar line, when I lived out in the US, I had an american colleague aske me "Do you celebrate July 4 over in England"?

Some friends of mine went on a camping trip when they were young lads and, having pitched the tent in a field just outside Grasmere, they went off to the pub. Several hours later they were staggering back in the dark, when they came across a well. Near the well was a large concrete block with a chain attached to it. They wondered how deep the well was so decided to drop the concrete block down it to see. So they manhandled the block over and let go and stood back to listen for it hitting the bottom of the well. They watched in anticipation for about 10 seconds as the chain kept going past, but were soon greeted by the sight of the goat tethered to the end of it disappearing down the well.........

"Hear My Song" wants it's story back.

[url=http://www.snopes.com/critters/mishaps/chain.aspEven earlier than that![/url

I had a dream last night in which I was eating my pillow and when I woke up my giant marshmallow had gone.

A whole new genre.

Q. "if you were going to Bradford, would you set off from here?"
A. "No, I don't know the way".

The morning after a drinking session with my mate a couple of months ago, I got a text from him saying,' I don't know what we drank last night mate, but I was so pished I've lost my leg'.

He has a prosthetic leg.

His girlfriend found it later that day at the entrance lobby to his appartments three flights of stairs below.

Unlike the previous few, this REALLY is a true story, I promise.

Was driving one day from Wakey to a meeting at a customer in Altofts, was coming into Normanton and realised that I didn't have a map or directions (yes, what we had to do before satnav), but then saw an old woman walking along the side of the road, a Monty Python type old woman, long grey coat, big shopping bag, bent back etc.

Stopped to ask her for some directions and quick as a flash she opened the passenger door and sat in the passenger seat, "I'm going there love, you can take me" she said - I was a bit shocked at her cheek and at the fact that she'd just jump in a strangers car, but ... strange folk around there.

Anyway, one mile down the road we got to the crossroads in the middle of Normanton and she told me to stop, then she got out of the car, leaned back in through the door and said "Go down there and ask someone else", then buggered off.


I just sat there and LoL'd for ages.

Are you suggesting that I did not sleep-eat a giant marshmallow? Pfft

That is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thanks for sharing that one with us. Brilliant.

One from my wife.

The scooter club we're both members of has an annual party in Northampton. We normally stop in the same Holiday Inn, but one year we had to stop in a different one.
This next detail is important: As you walk into the place, you go through a double door and then go left to start on the stairs which come back along where you've just come in, leading to a landing halfway up before continuing in the same direction as when you walked in the building, meaning that there is a wall facing the entrance lobby.
We went out with the rest of the club and, to put it mildly, got absolutely hammered.

We walked back to the digs, Fiona droping behind slightly as we entered the building. I go up half the stairs and stop on the half landing and tell her to hurry up. She's now facing the wall with a confused look on her face..

All we got out of her for about five minutes was "How did you get up there? The stairs are broken, I can't get up to you..." with a really sad look on her face...

..Just been reminded, the same weekend she walked up to a plate glass window and waited for it to slide open. Yes dear, it's a window, not a door.

She's actually quite intelligent.

Cringeworthy one

Was in Amsterdam on a stag weekend, we went in to a club for a couple of drinks, we'd been in for about 20 minutes when two Americans came over, first time in Europe and they were working, well paid lawyer types, and wanted to talk to some English guys. Anyway 3 hours later we are chatting having a right laugh and they'd been buying the drinks, yes just those 2 buying and there was 15 of us.

One of our 'mates' is a bit of an idiot and by now he's absolutely hammered, a few of us are talking about 9/11 and all the associated blah that goes with that kind of discussion, when this 'mate' who had said next to F'k all all night pipes up with this beauty in his full drunken glory.

"You know 9/11, well you deserved that, that will teach you to make all those films in which Americans are the best at everything and everyone else is a f'kin idiot, Maverick and Goose didn't shoot those planes out the sky did they"?

I swear non of us knew where to put ourselves and couldn't believe his only contribution to the conversation was that, needless to say the drinks stopped coming very shortly afterwards.