10. A rumour persists that the author of this column was trying to insert a comment about Mark Oaten being LibDem spokesman for home affairs and make a terribly homophobic joke about it.
9. Stan Boardman will perform at the Commission for Racial Equality's spring ball.
8. The London whale was just the scout for a large-scale plan for a whale invasion of Britain.
7. England have unearthed a young leg spinner who will wow everyone on the tour of India, ensuring a series victory.
6. Someone was actually bothered about Jodie Marsh's harrowing tales of bullying on her 'release' from Celebrity Big Brother.
5. Sven Goran Eriksson is rumoured to be 'totally gutted' at his £5m+ pay off from the FA and being able to seek alternative employment immediately.
4. Secretaries at the FA are to have their wages docked now they can't enjoy the benefits of the erstwhile England manager.
3. The case about Celebrity Big Brother contestant and former Dead Or Alive mentalist Pete Burns' gorilla coat fell apart when a chimpanzee from Knowsley Safari Park couldn't pick it out of an identity parade.
2. Minichiello, Morley and Gower are all off to Salford. Mark, Chris and David, that is.
1. Odsal to be redeveloped as a "Super dome".